2023 March
Bank account check.
Just want to die honestly. I am useless. Can't do anything. 😿
Didn't pass my first contract I had with Inlang. It's great company/team but too smart for me.
My job was supposed to be to take over the Git SDK. Wrote up RFC for the future of Git SDK too. But turns out it was not a fit.
In any way. Not my first time with being rejected. My whole life is a series of failures and trying to survive on little food.
I did actually sit down and try code all day this last month. With barely no breaks. Actually with help of ChatGPT, things like reimplementing or extending Git in JS suddenly start to seem approachable. I don't read news as much and generally am more focused. Just life is really too hard recently.
I have been in survival mode for the past 6 years it seems. From job to job. Barely making enough to make rent or food. Rejection after rejection. I've been fired 8 times now for now being good enough. I've been told that I should just go back to school and I will never become a programmer with my brain.
It truly seems daunting and sometimes I just want to give up.
In any way, aside from above, nothing else eventful happened this month. Just never ending grind to live.
Watched
I did get to watch Scenes from a Marriage with my partner and loved it. It reaffirmed to me that most issues in relationships stem from miscommunication or lack of it. Also showed well how being hurt really bad once by someone closes you of to ever be fragile again with that person.
Listened
Retro
I want to be more honest with myself. I am not good enough. That is fine. What can I do to improve? Get better?
My situation is as bad as it ever was. No money. No prospects for future. Some health problems. Soon tax that I need to pay and can't.
I don't want to burrow from friends. I can't get a loan. Only thing I can do is build and do it fast.
I love open source but I seriously think it has broken me. Why did I release all the things I did including this wiki in the open and live in poverty all these years. It could be the case that this wiki or my other what I think are useful projects could of at least gave me enough money for some food.
In any way, that's in the past now. I am 28 in a month and I know many have completely rethought who they were in this moment and changed themselves. Let that be me.
For now I am building a todo app I always wanted to build. Solid + Grafbase makes it a bit easier for me to get started. Also Ark seems nice. The goal is to really replace this kind of messy system I have now of tracking my todos/priorities. Plus have integration with GitHub issues.
Although brief, I learned a lot during my 3 weeks working with Inlang. Inspiring vision to build git backed apps. First time I ever got to work together with someone on an open source project with actually lovely code. It uses Solid too and I love the way they manage the state as the editor loads. Will replicate that part in my own apps. They use Discord for all communication, have nice channels. The textual checkins were great (I worked in companies that did morning video checkins and thought it was unnecessary). Honestly if I wasn't that bad of a programmer, it'd be a dreamy place to work at but alas.
Dream on. Work on. 😺
Listening to We Came And Left as I am going on a train back to Spain to see my family and 🐶. Love them a lot.